People have been telling me for years that the older you get, the grumpier and more cynical you become.
And, because I had a birthday this week and I am now as old as Methuselah, I am The Grinch personified and take nothing at face value.
To prove the point that I grizzle and grump over everything from being served broccoli to the state of the nation, I give you the Brendan Fevola-Lara Bingle kerkuffle.
Shakespeare could have written his Much ado about nothing in reference to this non-event but, because the rest of Australia has had its say, it is the turn of this curmudgeon.
Let me state from the start that the Fev has been an absolute goose in taking a nude snap of a woman who seemed to go out of her way to attract attention.
Yes, she was just 19 years of age at the time and her defenders have painted her as a wide-eyed innocent, but the last time I checked, Fev himself was married at the time.
If that came as one enormous surprise to an innocent teenager, 10 seconds Googling the name Fevola would have revealed the truth about his marital status.
The Fev was very, very naughty to take a nude shot of Bingle while she was having a shower but the question remains: who distributed the photo?
The photograph was offered to various people in the media six months ago but it was apparently a case of “thanks, but no thanks”. Despite what many people like to believe, most of the media do show responsibility and have a belief in respect.
Suddenly, the photo appears in a women’s magazine and all hell breaks loose, with the sisterhood landing on Fev like a ton of bricks (even though it appears to have been a woman editor who agreed to publish).
Miraculously, the deeply offended Bingle is then offered a $200,000 deal to salve her dignity – through the same magazine.
Something’s a little fishy there. As a wise men once said: if it looks like a fish and smells like a fish ...
I already have described myself as a cynic, so it comes as no surprise to you, dear reader, that I believe there is more to the magazine’s “newsworthy” decision than meets the eye.
Yes, I still believe Fev acted like a Neanderthal and deserves to be punished simply for taking the snapshot.
And if it is ever proven that he distributed the photo – even to just one mate – he will have earned the full wrath of the AFL under its respect for women policy, and the condemnation of all women.
What was he thinking in taking that snap anyway? Just a lark?
Smarter people than myself have wondered often enough what goes on in the Fev’s mind, but they all wear white jackets and we mere mortals can only guess at his thinking.
I know what most women would do if someone snuck a camera into their bathroom and clicked away!
Not even $200,000 would be enough to douse the flames of most women’s anger, even allowing for the fact that this tidy sum would make a decent downpayment on an Aston Martin.
Come to think of it, maybe the Fev could drop around to my place and take a photo of me in the shower.
The only problem is that any self-respecting men’s magazine would have to do a lot of Photoshop air-brushing and even then would offer no more than a peanut shell.
The only good to come from it would be to make every other Australian male feel better about himself.
So, have I seen the Fev’s photo, the one untouched by the media, but the real thing? Yes, hasn’t everyone?
It would be wrong of me to offer any comment about what I saw, except that I must admit to stifling a yawn.
However, it reinforced my view of the Fev as a goose and also my firm conviction that no one with even a skerrick of a brain should buy another copy of a certain women’s magazine.
And when it comes to Lara, she hasn’t exactly endeared herself to the Australian public so far.
The public would do well to adopt the stance taken by She Who Knows Nothing About Football in my household: “Who wants to read about Fevola or her?”
See, readers, I told you I was a grizzly old grouch.

JIM MAIN